“The longer-than-average wait time you’re experiencing does not reflect our usual high customer service standards.”

Where do I start with this one? Let’s try at the beginning.

Standard Life called me last week about some investments while I was in a meeting. “Victor” left a speedy message (the only thing said at a normal pace was my name) to call Standard Life. Needed to listen three times to get the phone number. Victor was efficient at leaving messages.

So I called. After seven minutes and 21 seconds of pressing buttons to through the robot phone system (yes I was counting), I got the hold-music without some much as one ring first.

Now, so far this is par for the course in the modern world. I may not love it, but I’m not going to rant about robot telephone systems. They’re the way this planet answers the phone at this particular moment in history.

Suddenly, the music stops and something on the other end of the line rustles! Am I going to talk to someone after only waiting for 30 seconds?

No.

A recorded message let down my hopes. Fine. I’ll wait.

But this recorded message didn’t tell me that my call was important like my mobile phone provider does. It didn’t tell me I was next in like like the cable company does. It said:

The longer-than-average wait time you’re experiencing does not reflect our usual high customer service standards.

What. What?

Let’s back up. There are a few Bad Things in this message, so let’s take them one by one.

Bad Thing #1. Making the customer feel unlucky for choosing them.
”The longer-than-average wait time you’re experiencing . . .”
I like to feel special. Call me weak, but I like to think that I get preferential treatment. You may know some people who are the same. Call me naive, but I’d prefer to hear “For you, half price!” than having a robot point out that I’m the unlucky bastard who has to wait longer than most people! Why on Earth would Standard Life point out that, Ziggy-like, I have this black cloud of long wait times hovering over my head and my head alone? Pardon my language, but sheesh!

Bad Thing #2. Putting themselves above the customer.
“. . . our usual high standard of customer service.”:
What do I care about Standard Life’s “high standard of customer service”? I care about me. I’m the customer - I’ve paid for the right to care about me. Being a customer is one of the only times we can feel justifiably selfish. Don’t tell me about you, says I. I’ve bought enough of your services not to care.

Bad Thing #3. Telling, not doing.
“. . . does not reflect our usual high standard of customer service.”
Is Standard Life just telling me they usually have a good customer service? To be quite honest, I don’t believe it. And my “longer-than-average” wait backs me up. If I decided to punch a pedestrian very hard in the jaw, do I get to excuse it be saying, “My fist in your face does not reflect my usual calm and zen-like nature”? I didn’t think so.



I’m not blaming the writer of this message. Not this time. Standard Life is a huge organization. I’ve worked for a huge organization, and I would hazard a guess that upwards of 50 people read and commented on this message before it ever saw a recording studio. The writer of this message probably had strict writing guidelines from Standard Life along the lines of
13. emphasize that long wait times are not common
and
27. stress Standard Life’s high standard of customer service.
It would take a very remarkable message writer to get something good out of those.

What is disheartening is that not one human being who read this message befor eit was recorded put themselves in the position of the customer. The customer who had just gone through nearly seven-and-a-half minutes of robot to return a call. I’m no CEO and maybe that’s why I don’t know why a company would want to alienate the people it wants to satisfy.